I feel it’s important to acknowledge, before I begin this snow fashion review, that I know absolutely nothing about skiing and snowboarding.
My lifetime skiing experience totals 45 minutes. It began with me crying on the chair lift (because honestly WHY are they so high up with absolutely zero safety harnessing?) and ended with me watching two innocent girls from my ski lesson go hurtling towards a worrisome end.
I was hoping that witnessing their successful attempt at their first run would give me the courage I needed to tackle my own, but instead I shrugged, went to get a hot chocolate and resolved never to return as I heard their cries and wails fade off into the distance.
Regardless, it is such fun to be invited back to peruse some ski fashion through the ages.
Just because I don’t understand what you people are doing on those wooden sticks and boards slipping and sliding all over the mountain side while freezing your asses off, doesn’t mean I can’t tell you whether or not you look good while you’re doing it.
So let’s compare some ski fashion lewks from yesteryear and today and see how thing’s have changed
↑ THEN: Ahhh the good old days. Weren’t we just so much more sensible then? Everything was just simpler and more practical. Wanna go skiing? Throw on a lil’ red romper slash diaper and off you go.
↑ NOW: Dress scalp to floor in a sleeping bag.
↑ THEN: Ahhh the 80s, it was all about colour! The brighter, the better.
↑ NOW: it’s all monochrome or die bitches!
↑ ALSO NOW: Go to Kathmandu and buy every sleeping bag they have in the store. I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE. Sew them together with no discernible pattern. Being able to move, ski, walk, snowboard, breathe = superfluous.
↑ THEN: Who says you need a special ski wardrobe? Just throw on your cutest mini dress with a pair of gloves, and bob’s your uncle! When you have to be on the slopes at 4pm and the dance floor at 4.01pm
↑ NOW: You can still make items from your everyday wardrobe work for your next snow adventure. No reason you can’t bust out the ol’ tuxedo and ballgown that you bought for that gala event in ’82 and wear them both at the same time.
↑ THEN: Fancy a little kidnappin’ after you carve up the mountain? These woolly balaclavas knitted by someone’s nanna will keep your face warm, and also disguise your identity in case you fancy a little crime spree.*
*Not actually encouraging crime spree. THIS IS A JOKE. FC does not recommend or condone any crimes, especially those against fashion, like this one.
↑ NOW: No need to cover up every little part of your body! Step outside of your comfort zone and reveal your face. Don’t bother with gloves either. Frostbite is trending on TikTok this year.•Extra points if you look like an arctic explorer from the early 20th century.
↑ THEN: I would legit wear this entire outfit, sans the weird hat, to work. It’s chic!
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL GUYS though with the hot dog?
↑ NOW: The world of snow “farshun” is still clearly as kooky AF. But be thankful there are still PERFECT looks, IMHO, like this hot pink and black lewk which 11/10 fashionistas would wear the shit out of.
↑ THEN: Jockey chic! A practical jacket that seems extremely thin and not in any way warm. Pair with woolly tights you wore when you were at pre school.
↑ NOW: Find your old school shoes and wear them with the puffer jacket you wore when you were a toddler. Best worn over a regular, adult size coat.*
*Do not attempt to walk in snow, you will slip.
↑ THEN: Where’s Wally? Need you ask.
↑ NOW: Nobody will recognise you in this garb. I am afraid to say I actually dig this. It looks practical, warm and like it would make nice swishing sounds when you move.
↑ THEN: I feel like this is part old fashioned swimsuit part snowsuit. I truly don’t understand why people from yesteryear wanted to ski in what is essentially underwear. Is it some kind of early WimHof method?
↑ NOW: Ain’t nobody suffering the cold for love of money. I can’t quite see what is happening here – but are these snow chaps tucked into cowboy boots? Are all the snow farshun designers high? I sure as hell wish I was at this point.
↑ THEN: Channel your inner tin man and follow the yellow brick road straight to fashion hell. Just kidding – I actually think this is rad and would 100 percent wear it TOMORROW if I were snowbound.
↑ NOW: Let’s finish on a high note. This is what would happen if Wimbledon and Skiing had a baby. This is preppy AF and I’m here for it. The pearls are a satisfyingly silly touch. 11/10 would wear to meet the girls for Apres Aperols.