Sustainable tiny home lovers look away, this is not for you. This mega mountain homestead on steroids with 34 bedrooms, dear readers, is the kind of place where no one can hear you scream. No one.

You’re so remote on 439 acres in the Vail Valley of Colorado near Beaver Creek and surrounded by two million acres of White River National Park that you can simply sit, soak in the woods and play with the deer or you can rev it up, big time. BIG time.

The ‘adventure retreat’ called Casteel Creek Retreat comes with a snow tubing/sledding hill, 15 plus kilometers of groomed paths for snow mobiles and cross country skiing in winter, hiking and mountain biking in summer and a trout fishing lake.

There’s a full size outdoor soccer field and an indoor arena (yes, indoor arena) for full size tennis, baseball and basketball games. Add a golf drive for would be Tigers and an indoor shooting range to channel your inner CSIA and a five story climbing wall in the 25 000 square foot ‘recreation’ building and you’ve pretty much got yourself an adult theme park. 

But wait in the bigly land of mega consumption there’s even an ice cream parlour, a Silver Dollar Saloon (no kidding) and a gas station. A GAS STATION, people. 

It would be rude not to point out the teppanyaki bar – bring your own chef, heck fly him in from Tokyo.

We haven’t even got to the house (if you can call it that) itself. Expect 32 000 square feet of copper, steel, glass, stone, granite and marble with some ‘interesting’ interior design (no problem, fly in an interior designer from Paris, they can pick up the chef in Tokyo along the way).

The main residence has eight ensuite, elevators, home theatre, swimming pool, hot tubs, gym and the usual walk in wardrobes, butler pantries and the like. A caretaker’s apartment, three Wild West themed apartments and three full equipped and furnished guest houses plus a vintage cabin are also on site. 

Of course there are some extras, for US$78 million you’d expect that, right? You’ll get 12 snow mobiles with riding gear, 3 ATVs, a touring snow cat, German snowplow, several heli pad sites and an equipment and maintenance barn to store all your toys.

casteel creek ranch
My sandpit, my toys.

Not convinced? The USD$250 000 membership to the exclusive Vail Mountain Club should get you over the line. It’s included in the bargain price of USD$78 million (let’s call it over AU$100 million and call it even).

If you buy it, use our name, we’ll buy a waterfront home in Sydney with the commission.

You can buy this ski lodge in Japan for less than a condo in Sydney