Carrying your skis is hard enough, add a bus load of passengers and you’ve just entered a whole new hell. Rhi Evans reveals her hilarious tips to keep your skis on the straight and narrow. Or not.
There are a variety of ways of carrying one’s skis, though none of them truly make the task any less arduous. You could try the Over the Shoulder or the ‘Smack People in the Head as you Walk Technique’. You could try the Rock a Bye Baby holding your skis horizontally in two arms but you’ll never get through a door.
The Criss Cross may work when you hold your skis vertically against your chest and then allow them to slowly and uncontrollably slip apart until you resemble a train crossing sign. The good news is you can use them as a giant pair of scissors the bad news is you may impale yourself in the process.
But the ordeal of carrying skis increases tenfold when it is paired with getting on and off public transport. Traveling on a resort bus with your skis is as time consuming as it is soul destroying and an embarrassing experience for skier and spectator alike. I don’t care if the bus route is free or not, it takes a mental, an emotional and a humiliation toll.
The truth is it’s easier to travel on a bus with a fully pitched tent, a horse and a tractor than it is with a pair of skis.
So, take my step by step guide, because, really, there is no other way.
Wait for bus.
Spot bus in the distance and be naively positive about its arrival, unaware of the travesty that is about to ensue.
Once transport has arrived forget that skis are too tall to walk directly onto bus.
Try to walk directly onto bus.
Hit roof of bus with skis loudly and in a startled panic watch as skis clatter to the ground.
Look around embarrassed, hoping that no one noticed.
Everyone has noticed.
Pick up skis, almost walk into bus again, remember to dip last minute, get on bus.
Be sure to take one exaggerated step at a time in your ski boots, allowing roughly one minute per step.
Once on board lean skis against self and commence fumbling inside ski coat for bus pass.
Fumbling must be accompanied with a suitably focused expression, conveying to the driver that you are concentrating very hard on finding your bus pass. Explain to bus driver that you must have left your pass in your other coat. (Said coat does not exist. You have lost your pass). Fumble in ski coat for a furthers two minutes searching for the $2 fare.
Feel sinking sensation in stomach when you realise you have no spare change. Ask driver if he has change for a $100 note.
Assume from the drivers expression (that he would take great pleasure in placing you under the bus and using you as a speed bump) that he does not have change for a $100 note.
Thank driver graciously when he lets you on for free and assume he is talking about someone else when you hear him mutter “tosser” under his breath.
Using a sideways stance shuffle crab like down the middle of the bus clutching skis and holding poles behind you at awkward angles, ignorant to the potential of poking someone in the retina.
Spot a free seat but realise that there are now twenty people behind you waiting to sit down so panic and keep walking.
The bus driver sees that you are struggling and takes the opportunity to exact revenge and slams on the accelerator. The man-oeuvre jolts you forward aggressively leaving you with the split second decision of either dropping your skis or lunging into the nearest sitting passengers.
Apologise profusely to the parent of the child you have just kneed in the face.
Continue your journey with greater caution, perspiring with the anxiety of falling over as the driver re-enacts all of The Fast and The Furious movies combined.
Find two spare seats. Sit down and place skis on spare seat next to you.
Immediately pick skis back up and place them against your knees so they are cutting into your forehead as someone sits next to you.
Allow skis to rest against window, creating a repetitive chattering sound worthy of the Chinese Torture Guidebook.
Realise that it took you so long to sit down that you’re getting off at the next stop.
Begin to busy yourself in your seat in the hope that the person next to you will take the hint that you need to get off soon.
The person sitting next to you does not pick up on the hint that you need to get off soon.
Do entire loop again.
Begin to inwardly panic about getting off bus.
Make your move to the middle of the aisle considerably earlier to avoid missing your stop again thus preventing people behind you from exiting at their stops.
Avoid eye contact with fellow passengers who look as though they may at any minute unite and bring back lynching.
Assume the Criss-Cross position with skis and continue shuffling towards the exit.
Take at least three minutes to negotiate tentatively down the two steps off the bus.
Forget once more that skis are too tall to walk directly off the bus.
Walk into roof and headbutt skis. Hope that no one saw.
Manage to get off bus second time around.
Realise you’ve left your poles on the bus.
Wave to stop the driver who sees you then promptly slams on the accelerator and speeds into the distance.
Try to ignore the audible cheers now coming from the remaining passengers on the bus.
Realise that your buss pass was in your pocket all along.
This concludes your step by step bus guide, you are now ready to travel on public transport with the least transportable equipment ever to be made. If found useful please purchase my new book: “Busted: When you try to get a tractor on a bus.”
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