There’s a strange phenomenon that happens at altitude. ‘Mountain truths’ – i.e. slightly-enhanced versions of the truth – are part and parcel of the skiing experience.
Because when you’re doing an expensive sport in sometimes-extreme conditions, you have to lie to yourself… and the people around you… just a little bit.
Here are seven lies that every skier/snowboarder has told at some point during their time on snow.
1. “I got first tracks”
Reality: You were the 15th person down, but there was still a fresh line or two in there.
Why we lie: There’s pressure in getting in for first tracks. It’s like an endurance sport before you even hit the slopes, especially if there’s more than a couple of you to wrangle together. Not to mention some resorts have diehard locals, queueing from the early hours of the morning at the first whiff of fresh snowfall overnight. Really, it’s enough to have one clean-ish line, feel like a hero for five turns, and claim it as enough for bragging rights for après.
2. “You couldn’t even feel the cold”
Reality: You were colder than you even thought possible, and spent a lot of your chairlift time cursing that you didn’t invest in those fancy heated sock things/fantasising about that extra layer in your hotel room that you didn’t throw on. By the time you’re off the chairlift, you’ve drafted a strongly worded letter in your head about why the resort should invest in more heated chairs, and are contemplating how soon is too soon to call it for a hot meal at lunchtime.
Why we lie: Because you’ve travelled too far and spent too much cash to call it after just one run. Who cares if the thermometer says minus thirty? You can just do some star jumps in the spot of the chair lift line, and pour a little extra schnapps in your coffee. That’s why schnapps was invented, right?
3. “We’ll just do one more run then go in”
Reality: You’re going to do four more runs. Maybe six. Twelve if you can get away with it.
Why we lie: A good one for when you’re skiing with beginners/apprehensive people/cold people who are willing to admit they’re actually cold (see above), and they’re ready to go in, but you’re not. Because everything’s lined up well, and you’re in that magical place of every run feeling like it’s the best run ever, and you know that going in will make the spell break and the reality of your sore legs come crashing back.
4. “We’ll take a season off and save some money”
Reality: You agree to cool your jets on the planning of the next ski trip, lay low at home and save your cash. And then you find your hand accidentally slipping and buying that season pass before the price goes up. Or that flight to Vancouver with that lovely little stopover in Hawaii or Fiji. Really, the deal was so good, it was practically free.
Why we lie: Because it’s all about intention, isn’t it? Pretending you were going to save the money is pretty much just as good as saving the actual money. And what’s life without a nice ski trip to look forward to? (We can help you justify this as much as you need, all day every day, just say the word.)
5. “It was waist-deep”
Reality: It was maybe boot-deep.
Why we lie: How else are you going to make your mates jealous and convince them to come along on the next trip? Also, no one’s pulling out a measuring tape mid-run, so it’s the safest exaggeration there is. How do they know you didn’t just hit a really deep pocket somewhere along the way?
6. “Skiing/snowboarding is the best thing in the world, you’ll love it”
Reality: Your friend/lover/child will hate it. Except for maybe the après (for the friend/lover) and the hot chocolate (for your child).
Why we lie: Because we know the ski boots are uncomfortable and the skis are hard to carry. We know the mountain seems terrifying when you look at it. We know the chairlift seems impossible to get on. We know it’s not fun when you start. WE KNOW! We just need you, as our loved one, to get over the hating bit quickly so you can love it just as much as we do, and then we can take many nice mountain trips together until the end of time.
7. “I’m cooked, I’ll just take it easy today”
Reality: You get your first glimpse of a tree run that looks nice, get overexcited, completely forget about your hangover/injury/illness/strict orders from your physio, and go chasing side hits and speed and powder.
Why we lie: Intentions vs. mountain reality are two completely different things. Your physio will understand, surely! And there’s always the hot tub/onsen to cure all things or the Bloody Mary.
What’s a ski lie you’ve told yourself or your fellow ski/snowboarders?
